His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
