hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
