I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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