I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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