Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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