My pussy is not your playground.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
