dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
