"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
