Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Please don't give away my fajitas
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
