What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
