I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
where are my eyebrows?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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