just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
