So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
