dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
