I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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