That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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