i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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