She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
