You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
