I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
