I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
