So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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