STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
