I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
