Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite