I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
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im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours