The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Banned from zoo.
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i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
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Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.