why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.