It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
