I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
