4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
