Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
my poor anus
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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