I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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