she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
