So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
