So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
