New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
