Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
