A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
