I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
