4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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