She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
