1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
