I feel like abortions should bother me more
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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