I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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