I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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