Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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