I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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