how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
