I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
