so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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