I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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