Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
