hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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