I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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