everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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